This is everything I want to say, but am too inarticulate to.
http://thoughtcatalog.com/madison-sonnier/2016/01/i-dont-know-how-to-not-be-in-love-with-him/
Tuesday, 19 January 2016
Monday, 18 January 2016
It Happened.
It finally happened. He kissed me. We sat there, drinking at a bar with my friend, and when she went to the bathroom he looked at me and said, "Can I kiss you?"
And I said yes. And he kissed me. And it was a good kiss.
Kissing isn't ordinarily such a big deal but when you've been waiting for this kiss for such a long time, like what feels like years but in actuality is probably only 6 months, it feels like the biggest deal in the world. I know it changes nothing but in my mind it's a huge thing. I know it probably won't happen again, but for that one night it was enough.
That and the sex. The sex was some good sex. Probably because he was out of his own head. Or maybe just because I've waited so long for it to happen again. Or maybe just because I was taking it for what it was. Or maybe because it happened a lot. Whatever the reason, I'm glad it happened. I just hope that I can move on from it again and not have it on my mind every second of every day. We're already back to the way it was before Friday night... I wonder if that makes me happy or not.
And I said yes. And he kissed me. And it was a good kiss.
Kissing isn't ordinarily such a big deal but when you've been waiting for this kiss for such a long time, like what feels like years but in actuality is probably only 6 months, it feels like the biggest deal in the world. I know it changes nothing but in my mind it's a huge thing. I know it probably won't happen again, but for that one night it was enough.
That and the sex. The sex was some good sex. Probably because he was out of his own head. Or maybe just because I've waited so long for it to happen again. Or maybe just because I was taking it for what it was. Or maybe because it happened a lot. Whatever the reason, I'm glad it happened. I just hope that I can move on from it again and not have it on my mind every second of every day. We're already back to the way it was before Friday night... I wonder if that makes me happy or not.
Friday, 8 January 2016
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Don't tell me what I do and don't want. Don't behave like you know what's best for me. Don't show me so little respect as to discount my feelings, whatever they are.
You don't want me to feel something I feel and rather than have to own up to that and risk hurting someone you'd prefer to make it their mistake. They're mistaken in their feelings. And even if they're not then they're wrong. Because of an apparent impediment of yours. You're so careful to let me know it's not about me... But it so obviously is. Because if it was something wrong with you, instead of something wrong with me, then you wouldn't choose any/everyone else.
You don't have to want me but you can't continue to lie to me. It's because of me, not you. You just need to get up the balls to say it to me, to my face, so that I can get over it and move on.
Show me enough respect to tell me that it's about me and I'm just not enough, for whatever reason. Just admit that I'm not enough. Please. Because that will be the one thing in my life that I can take on face value.
You don't want me to feel something I feel and rather than have to own up to that and risk hurting someone you'd prefer to make it their mistake. They're mistaken in their feelings. And even if they're not then they're wrong. Because of an apparent impediment of yours. You're so careful to let me know it's not about me... But it so obviously is. Because if it was something wrong with you, instead of something wrong with me, then you wouldn't choose any/everyone else.
You don't have to want me but you can't continue to lie to me. It's because of me, not you. You just need to get up the balls to say it to me, to my face, so that I can get over it and move on.
Show me enough respect to tell me that it's about me and I'm just not enough, for whatever reason. Just admit that I'm not enough. Please. Because that will be the one thing in my life that I can take on face value.
Tuesday, 5 January 2016
Desperate FROM sadness, or desperate FOR sadness?
I cling to my sadness. I cling to it like it’s a blanket
that will keep me warm in a blizzard. Or a life jacket that will keep me afloat
when I fall out of my boat. I wrap it around me and nuzzle in to it like it’s a
lover.
I cannot wait for the time that it stops snowing, and I learn
to swim. I’m so scared of what and who I’m going to be when that time comes. But
I’m so desperate for it to come.
New Years Day - 01:03
The new year is always such an interesting time. You feel like you have to begin again, become a new person, start again... But it's such an arbitrary date. Who decided it would be 1 January anyway?
And what if you don't start again? What if you continue as you were? What if there's no new start for you, just more of the same? When do you get your new beginning again? And how do you know that's it?
I want to start again. I want my life to begin over again but with the knowledge I have now. Would I change any of it? Doubtful. But at least I'd know where I was going.
I want to reach the end of my life and start again knowing all there is to know. And see if I'd change anything...
This year I worked really hard on being the best person I could be. I worked hard on being a better friend and a better person. And I failed some and I succeeded some. But for the most part I did well, I like to think. I made new friends and gave up on some who gave up on me. I started to become me again, and I accepted that I'm not perfect. I'm not everything I want and wanted to be. But I'm getting there. I'm taking the steps I should take and the steps I need to take. And I'll get there in the end. I know I will.
The balance is the key. I need to find the balance. And when I do there'll be no stopping me.
And what if you don't start again? What if you continue as you were? What if there's no new start for you, just more of the same? When do you get your new beginning again? And how do you know that's it?
I want to start again. I want my life to begin over again but with the knowledge I have now. Would I change any of it? Doubtful. But at least I'd know where I was going.
I want to reach the end of my life and start again knowing all there is to know. And see if I'd change anything...
This year I worked really hard on being the best person I could be. I worked hard on being a better friend and a better person. And I failed some and I succeeded some. But for the most part I did well, I like to think. I made new friends and gave up on some who gave up on me. I started to become me again, and I accepted that I'm not perfect. I'm not everything I want and wanted to be. But I'm getting there. I'm taking the steps I should take and the steps I need to take. And I'll get there in the end. I know I will.
The balance is the key. I need to find the balance. And when I do there'll be no stopping me.
More Musings
I really must learn to get the energy to write on here when things come up, instead of lying in bed typing on my phone... But for those playing along at home, here's the latest:
25.12.2015 - 20:08
I wear my sadness like a second skin. It's a layer of protection against the outside world and everything that can harm me. It's my coat in winter and my shield in summer. It's the place I retreat to when it all gets too hard. It's comfortable there. But I want to start living my life outside my comfort zone.
26.12.2015 - 17:49
The biggest lesson I've learnt this year is this: just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they have.
25.12.2015 - 20:08
I wear my sadness like a second skin. It's a layer of protection against the outside world and everything that can harm me. It's my coat in winter and my shield in summer. It's the place I retreat to when it all gets too hard. It's comfortable there. But I want to start living my life outside my comfort zone.
26.12.2015 - 17:49
The biggest lesson I've learnt this year is this: just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they have.
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