The Problem With Being Perky

So here it is, straight up: the problem with being perky all the time is that people expect you to be perky all the f*cking time. And it's exhausting! I like to think that I'm fairly naturally a perky little mite. I like being happy, I like smiling, I like perk and pep and something else that starts with 'p'. But at the same time, sometimes I just like to wallow in my misery. And it's a really difficult thing to do when everyone knows you as the person who doesn't succumb to it. You tell people you feel a bit flat and they somehow start thinking Chicken Little and the Sky Is FALLING!! She's not being happy!! What's going on?!
And there's no way that you can say to these people, "I suffer from depression. I'm very well medicated so you'd hardly know it, but it's true. And I'm finding life hard. Because that's my prerogative". Because if you tell them then they'll want to help. And sometimes wallowing is the best medicine.

Here are some musings from a few days ago. I was, of course, too depressed to put them up here at the relevant time. That's how depressed I've been...

19.07.2013
The biggest issue with being with someone, virtually or physically, that's cheating on their partner is that they always have something to go back to. When it's all over and they decide they don't want you anymore, you're left alone again and they carry on as they were before. It's perhaps the loneliest feeling in the world.

And now he's blocked me from Facebook. How is it that I'm the one that ends up hurt and used again? And more to the point, why did I allow it to happen again? Am I really that masochistic? Am I really that pathetic and sad and lonely?

I don't understand why people are so mean. Why would you behave like that to another human being? What does it do for you? And how can you so easily disregard what it does to those around you? To me... I'm hurt and numb and in shock all over again. You've taken me away from myself all over again.

My favourite definition of insanity is repeating the same action and expecting a different outcome or response. Getting in to it all over again was the definition of insanity. I won't make the same mistake again.

But I will feel sorry for him again. Possibly more now than ever because he either doesn't want what he has, or doesn't want it enough; or he wants what he doesn't have whilst wanting what he does. He must be so confused and messed up to behave like this. He must be hurting so badly to willingly hurt the ones he cares about that I can't help but feel sorry for him. It must be a worse place to be than where I am right now.

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Wow! How much self pity did I have going on?! I in no way feel sorry for him. He tried to have it all and he couldn't. And now he's never going to have me again, not even as a friend. And either his partner knows what a shameful creep he is, or she doesn't and he has to live with the knowledge all on his own.

I'm still angry with myself for allowing myself to get dragged back in again. I don't think I'll be cutting myself any slack for a good long while. But I will try to be kinder to myself. And more aware of getting what I deserve, in the good way.

I spent the entire weekend asleep and crying. No eating or drinking, just barely existing. Those hours of my life were far more than he ever deserved or will ever deserve.
I also tried meditating on him having all the things I want for myself in life. Apparently recovering alcoholics do it (according to Anthony Kiedis) to rid them of their resentment. Hey, it's worth a shot! I don't want to have a ball of resentment eat away at me from the inside out. I am worth more and I am better than that.

Rone-ry... I am so rone-ry...

I wrote the following a couple of days ago. I didn't even have it in me to post until now... How freaking sad is that?!

11.07.2013

Woeful. Full of woe. Reading Anthony Kiedis’ Scar Tissue and it reminds me of my ex boyfriend. I was with him for years. On and off but it went on for such a long time. And we got high together and were loved up and blissful and great and terrible together. And I miss him lately. I don’t know what he’s doing and I don’t know for certain how he’s doing. But I still feel like we have unfinished business. But I don’t think he thinks the same way.

And I realised a few moments ago that the worst I’ve ever felt in my life has always revolved around a man. I’ve felt worse from break ups than I did when my father died. I felt worse when, on the one year anniversary of my dad’s death, my UK boyfriend said we should live apart. I felt worse when we broke up. Why does the men in my life effect me more than what should arguably have been the most important man in my life.

12.07.2013

I want the kind of love that never dies. I want someone who loves the worst parts of me.