Just this

This is everything I want to say, but am too inarticulate to.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/madison-sonnier/2016/01/i-dont-know-how-to-not-be-in-love-with-him/

It Happened.

It finally happened. He kissed me. We sat there, drinking at a bar with my friend, and when she went to the bathroom he looked at me and said, "Can I kiss you?"
And I said yes. And he kissed me. And it was a good kiss.

Kissing isn't ordinarily such a big deal but when you've been waiting for this kiss for such a long time, like what feels like years but in actuality is probably only 6 months, it feels like the biggest deal in the world. I know it changes nothing but in my mind it's a huge thing. I know it probably won't happen again, but for that one night it was enough.

That and the sex. The sex was some good sex. Probably because he was out of his own head. Or maybe just because I've waited so long for it to happen again. Or maybe just because I was taking it for what it was. Or maybe because it happened a lot. Whatever the reason, I'm glad it happened. I just hope that I can move on from it again and not have it on my mind every second of every day. We're already back to the way it was before Friday night... I wonder if that makes me happy or not.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Don't tell me what I do and don't want. Don't behave like you know what's best for me. Don't show me so little respect as to discount my feelings, whatever they are.

You don't want me to feel something I feel and rather than have to own up to that and risk hurting someone you'd prefer to make it their mistake. They're mistaken in their feelings. And even if they're not then they're wrong. Because of an apparent impediment of yours. You're so careful to let me know it's not about me... But it so obviously is. Because if it was something wrong with you, instead of something wrong with me, then you wouldn't choose any/everyone else.

You don't have to want me but you can't continue to lie to me. It's because of me, not you. You just need to get up the balls to say it to me, to my face, so that I can get over it and move on.
Show me enough respect to tell me that it's about me and I'm just not enough, for whatever reason. Just admit that I'm not enough. Please. Because that will be the one thing in my life that I can take on face value.

Desperate FROM sadness, or desperate FOR sadness?

I cling to my sadness. I cling to it like it’s a blanket that will keep me warm in a blizzard. Or a life jacket that will keep me afloat when I fall out of my boat. I wrap it around me and nuzzle in to it like it’s a lover.

I cannot wait for the time that it stops snowing, and I learn to swim. I’m so scared of what and who I’m going to be when that time comes. But I’m so desperate for it to come.

New Years Day - 01:03

The new year is always such an interesting time. You feel like you have to begin again, become a new person, start again... But it's such an arbitrary date. Who decided it would be 1 January anyway?

And what if you don't start again? What if you continue as you were? What if there's no new start for you, just more of the same? When do you get your new beginning again? And how do you know that's it?

I want to start again. I want my life to begin over again but with the knowledge I have now. Would I change any of it? Doubtful. But at least I'd know where I was going.

I want to reach the end of my life and start again knowing all there is to know. And see if I'd change anything...

This year I worked really hard on being the best person I could be. I worked hard on being a better friend and a better person. And I failed some and I succeeded some. But for the most part I did well, I like to think. I made new friends and gave up on some who gave up on me. I started to become me again, and I accepted that I'm not perfect. I'm not everything I want and wanted to be. But I'm getting there. I'm taking the steps I should take and the steps I need to take. And I'll get there in the end. I know I will.

The balance is the key. I need to find the balance. And when I do there'll be no stopping me.

More Musings

I really must learn to get the energy to write on here when things come up, instead of lying in bed typing on my phone... But for those playing along at home, here's the latest:


25.12.2015 - 20:08
I wear my sadness like a second skin. It's a layer of protection against the outside world and everything that can harm me. It's my coat in winter and my shield in summer. It's the place I retreat to when it all gets too hard. It's comfortable there. But I want to start living my life outside my comfort zone.

26.12.2015 - 17:49
The biggest lesson I've learnt this year is this: just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they have.

I Wish You Knew Me Then...

I used to be different. I used to be so very different from the person I am now, the one that you know.

There was a time that I was the life of the party, the ringleader, the catalyst. I was the fun one, the funny one, the one who could do small talk and people listened. I could tell a story, relay an anecdote, walk in to a room and have people turn to look. I could talk to strangers, even though we’re told not to. I wasn’t afraid of the dark or the light. I used to embrace all hours of the day and night. I wasn’t scared to wake up in the morning, knowing I would have to do it all again. I also wasn’t scared of not waking up because I knew that would be okay, too. Whatever the end point was I was fine.

I used to cop things on the chin, confident that the next great thing was coming my way. Because before you knew me there was always a next great thing to come.

It would be crazy to think that there’s not another great thing to come. I know that there is. I’m not yet quite so far gone that I’ve given up altogether. But it seems that I am just far gone enough that I need to know where it is, when it’s coming; what it looks like and how it will get here.

Before you knew me I knew how to be happy and smile and laugh. Mostly at things of my own making. Perhaps because back then I was self-sufficient. Perhaps I was more giving. Perhaps I was just younger and more naïve. I think I miss being naïve. I was probably just more resilient. I was more willing to be hurt because I knew that it wouldn’t be the end of my world, I’d bounce back.

Now, I live with more fear. Less back-up plans so that the plans I have have to work. But for that to happen you have to make the plans… you need to have faith in things working out and faith in things being okay even when they don’t go to plan.

I wish you’d known me before, when I knew myself. I wish you’d seen me as I was then. But at the same time I’m so glad you didn’t. I’d hate for you to have known who I was as compared to who I’ve become. I think now I’m living in hope that I can become the person I was again and you can meet her. I think you’d like her.