For the last little while - maybe a week, maybe more - I've been stuck in my own head. It's actually not that nice a place to be. Because lately I've been thinking about my ex and I can't get him out of my head. Not my most recent ex (recent being almost two years ago), but the one before that. The one I left Australia because of. Okay, so he wasn't the actual reason I left but leaving seemed like as good a way as any to let to go of him.
And for some reason whenever I think about best kisses or good fun or even some of the worst times he comes to mind. I think about the time it was my birthday and I decided to meet him in the city to see Daft Punk and, because it was Moomba, when we kissed there were fireworks. Or the time when we first got together and it was his birthday and we went to his parents' house and hung out in the garden and it was nice. Really nice. I know that 'nice' doesn't seem like a good word but it is. It wasn't sexy or dirty or drunken, it was seriously just nice.
And now I can't get him out of my head. I can't get in contact with him because every time I try I'm rebuffed. I don't know if I'm using the right phone number and I don't want to try to get hold of him on Facebook because then I'll have certainty that he's seen a message from me and chosen not to respond to it. And I don't think my heart can actually handle the pain of it. I like to think that he checks in on my Facebook page periodically to see how I'm doing but I'm glad there's no way for me to know. Because if I thought he'd forgotten about me completely, forever, I don't think my heart could handle it.
In my head, or maybe in my heart, who knows, he is? was? the love of my life. How do you cope with losing the love of your life? Again? Especially when the last one felt like the love of your life, too. And losing him almost killed you.
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